The Ward Organist

Never learn to play the organ, old woman told me. I should call her Sister something, but don't remember last name. play, she Once you do you're stuck.I what replied. Probably said something like, it doesn't sound so bad. Said there were worse things be.I was in my mid-twenties. unmarried and working as a database manager for small nonprofit, guess they thought had time learn.They weren't wrong.Never Not unless can commit it. Sure, may find yourself ward with another organist split with, said. You might get different calling from time. But make no mistake, once go down path of becoming organist, that's you'll be until die.I'm sure second thoughts at that point.I were.I about lot back then.It's your choice, care bishop says If aren't ready this, speak up now. need wasting And want waste yours either. You're young. plenty besides if not say still no. Or say, yes. yes, me, show every lesson practice rest week, understand saying yes means life.I'm it's fine. I'm fine it.That's like then.By then knew I'd probably never use art history degree professionally. didn't know strongly suspected marry. this life. looking future being fine.Just . fine.The angels cluster around ceiling night. They circle, damp glow room, golden plates.They keep me awake.They have.They also anything. The only sounds are indistinct whispers, strange susurrations. messengers God, messages me.I'm pretty they're heavenly beings, although I've asked shake any their darting, quicksilver hands.I just watch them fall asleep.Most nights asleep fine.Some lay awake.But has anything angels.They gone when wake morning. arise start day advancement services director larger nonprofit than one worked learned organ.On lunch break those Zoom meetings have pay much attention to, fill private Pinterest boards images remind them. stick Christian tradition. pins Orthodox icons Renaissance paintings, track representations buddhas bodhisattvas; Islamic gilded metalwork enameled glass; drawings paintings demons, gods, demigods everywhere Bali Finland; anime video game characters; photos lava flows, organic honey, lens flare effects—anything reminds some way.One board is named Almost Accurate Representations. Another called Way Off Interesting Nonetheless. Gold Tones That Are Reminiscent. A Big Mood (That Shall Soon Pass).Maybe I'll public day. When Really terrible bearable bad everything now.Sometimes hear whispering, wonder talking about.But ask that.Because whispering about.I see on Facebook Twitter. read email newsletters Gmail account. everyone's faces. Even faces who masked.Especially showing meeting, It meeting early.I anyway, true mostly true.Although really think come in-person church.What Mathis, said.The Mathises moved Idaho, he said.Everybody moving Idaho Utah.It affect because few members friendly ones who, here or stuck here. miss seeing kids around. Miss piano baptisms. We're wards where all children either nursery Sunbeams teenagers, half whom active.I telling fully vaccinated forties nice thing an automatically social distanced everyone else, playing sit choir chairs behind organ. Martinez boy side shuffle bit bring sacrament, hasn't hit puberty yet, we close banging knees.At first, upset other boys always him take stand, his parents vaccinated, wears good mask isn't fidgety deacons fiddling touching everything. Don't organists goes sits audience family, too yourself. case presiding authority changes up. happen much. caught flat-footed does.That's issue me.I've family with.The first couple Sundays back, left right after sacrament meeting. Fled out nearest door Joseph yeeting himself away Potiphar's wife.Now stay.I hour.I'm that'll council point, far face scrunched concern, voice soft feathers. more pressing concerns. Other sheep wandered further away.I padded armchair east-facing foyer across floral-patterned couch next loveseat scroll through boards, bent screen attitude worship prayer.During quarantine, installed apps limit time, set up.I cut off evening, though. check phone nine turn TV later ten.I used stay local news. news anymore. past five years taught anything, our lives subject larger, stronger currents forces ever before.So night trade blue one.Although sometimes seem brass even copper.I determines that.I kept journal while documented hues, tried cross-compare happening—to media, Church, country, world—there discernible pattern. Perhaps there's data. mix simply benefit, aesthetic reasons.Whatever reason appreciate variegation. spurs add boards.And suppose tender mercy whole several museums opened digital collections general public.I starting Twitter account highlights resources there, attempt create new account, stupor over username be. choosing sign now.I main private, follow anybody. Instead, lists what's going ecosystems interested in: academics, angel enthusiasts, chefs food personalities (especially former Top Chef Great British Bake contestants), Mormon influencers (broadly speaking—not Instagram mommy blogger ones), writers, journalists, academics takes things.I part wants on, can't off.Maybe understood about, could delete account.But really, fine.Although Sometimes am tempted post something. Go enter conversation.I would funny. writer. pithy.But afraid making mistake getting piled on.Nobody character said, little mistakes people will know, big knows.She visiting, wanted congregation properly paying attention, cranked volume hymn high dang near blew ear drums stand. She she'd been embarrassed life.But wry smile it, thin-lipped smile.That's her, thin, pale lips coated pink, waxy lipstick shades darker; bony hand tapping thigh pedals.I'll lot, won't mind mistake. thick skin.It'll thinner age, sharp bark laugh wink.So far, skin done develop eczema.I stress indoors what. Maybe got sick early February before arrived US shores, wasn't flu now immune system messed those.It started patch neck crept cheeks reached eyebrows. There's knee stretches back. scars disciplined enough scratch face, knee? couldn't stop myself.It help dermatologist year.I to.Then to.So finally made appointment went. Luckily, mild easy treat, fine.I bed colloidal oatmeal dews heaven knee.I It's amusing To small, bother much.So haven't responded.Well, asked, suddenly left, hard sleep room dark.But came coppery normal—but imagination.I happy back.I enjoy visitations. played funeral since March 2020. both viewing funeral.The favorite organist. hymns programs knows. mean People reverent funerals. actually sing. veil thinner. attendance attending angels, afterwards.The Brother Park.It month. He fifties. tell died from, friends kind thing.Heck, Wells inactive husband week mentioned testimony.I bear testimony church. Only give talk filled Gospel Doctrine teacher.The walk organ podium seems short gather thoughts. angels. them.Some sacred secret.It's testimony. it.I'm repeat same lines. nothing wrong that. believe. maybe it'd better how believe.Besides, shouldn't feel pressure stand long lull during fast already pulpit.Every testimony, Every feeling, said.She feeling. real hesitantly technical proficiency. confidence technically proficient. Those loud fast, Which slow torturous approaching reverence. With measure awe.You pretend quite broken horse, approach way single Approach caution respect fear, knowledge comes practice.I six months. From August Then whenever felt back.So did.At thirty morning Saturday.That least hour by clean building.There leave away.Shortly seven, sullen teenage stumbled into chapel vacuum cleaner, cord dragging him, hood hoodie up, hiding over-the-ear headphones wearing.But saw them.And stayed vacuumed.I listening to. appropriate.But wasn't, providing constant roar against “All Glory, Laud, Honor,” which practicing upcoming Easter program.Heard together sounded rushing imagine like. My silent except whispers.You'd practices nope. bedroom reasonably priced purchased appreciated value skyrocket crash suburban town home swirl popcorn koi mosquitoes internet discourse. Many eyed seraphim meme motion.I investors.I idea investing in. appellation rather apt quit lessons once. changed mind.You quit, invested you.It's three weeks lessons, said.Three do, But, agency it.Old women scary.I hope scary old.But why going. things, sensed needed beyond work hobbies. Something uncomfortable tie others.Not super tied others.Oh, numerous ward. handful actual they'd out.But resent me.The men choose nonprofits support comfortable luxurious lifestyle provide meaningful makes difference world.The spent twenties thirties mastering learning Italian Japanese cooking, traveling Europe Asia (I'm overdue trip abroad), collecting modestly modest townhome.Sometimes pity me.I spouse children. live alone family. friends. No pets. apparent worldly achievements.Yes, cook beautifully surrounded beautiful themselves great life circumstances talents training.They're wrong.They wouldn't have.Probably less.But is, returned respected hadn't picked again shown choice. wasted youth, especially today's youth. Everything fell into. chose How exercised agency?Maybe angels.Maybe Father (or Mother [or both!]) sent meaningfully compensation, reminder church leaders vague condescending be.Maybe come.That choices mortality difficult choices.And trying communicate Wonder colors patterns something.I careful train thought.I risks isolation.I master's look esoteric patterns.I aware—we aware now)—that easily certain paths, connections each service narrative true—or coming world feels fits together. touchstone.So spurt documentation, let order visitations, swirling investors.The remain impressionistic. narratives there.I wander scriptures. myself turning Isaiah Revelations Daniel sections Covenants often.I downloaded Swedenborg's Earths Our Solar System Planets Starry Heaven, Their Inhabitants; Also Spirits Angels There Things Heard Seen Kindle months ago.But yet.I'm content placing firmly within Smith's worldview, received gift Holy Ghost.I nine. intermittently active. become active later. baptized. uncle baptized confirmed receive Ghost, eyes rolled upwards could. trick light. light bouncing watches hands head, glimmers gold blurry eye shape towards ceiling.Thinking now, perhaps experience ended majoring history, though focus religious program. thesis influence innovations textile manufacturing representational nonrepresentational painting, photography, mixed media late nineteenth- twentieth-century art.My died. Half siblings longer are. worried youngest brother. wife having details. subtle posts. They're openly expressing doubts. they've often along doubts.I worry them, myself.I'm doubts.Or rather, doubts cause Church.If inactive, tired They'll wear out, enough, meetings. It'll baptisms, funerals, stake ambitious Christmas programs. greedy else they'll accompanist, sub primary. two instruments, You'll go-to special musical performances, Saturday evening Sunday morning.She prophetic. archetypes Church. Some folks leaders. clerks. Young Women's. lucky souls teachers.Ward made—not born, foreordained, me.It's possible importance week.Perhaps did choice pressured it.It natural music.There times regret bench, feet resting wooden pedals, side, wondering place again.But play.Slower quicker, experience, most Canada.I follows.The exceptions run into—some love drive crazy—but keeps chorister. chorister follows you, does congregation. music playing. hymns. Your role kick pace. rest.And do.There lately Am playing? Is tad slower before?I tell.I internal clock off.But wherever pace working. singing well masks on.And steady was.Not surprise.Steady do.I job. cooking art. townhome.I practices. meditations hour.And night.I much.I passing completely falls apart.But keeping time.And